


If equal affection (cannot be)

by Elske



Category: Project Blue Book (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergence, F/F, I ship it so hard, Missing Scene, Soft vintage galpals, Spoilers, THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED, spoiler for season one finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-11-17 19:14:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18104711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elske/pseuds/Elske
Summary: SEASON FINALE SPOILERS. (The  rating is probably too conservative but better safe than sorry.) Missing scene/canon divergence, Susie loves Mimi and Mimi loves Susie, I don’t want to spoil anything so that’s all the summary you get.





	If equal affection (cannot be)

**Author's Note:**

> “How should we like it were stars to burn  
> With a passion for us we could not return?  
> If equal affection cannot be,  
> Let the more loving one be me.”
> 
> (W.H. Auden)

Susie is all tucked in on herself, curling up in the fetal position she normally sleeps in - not that anything else about her life could be really called normal, just now, could it?

Next to her in bed, Mimi turns from one side to lay on her back and Susie is close enough to hear the other woman’s small soft sigh. She flinches when she feels a warm hand settle on her shoulder. “Are you awake,” Mimi asks in a whisper.

Susie uncurls, stretches, turns over to face her friend. “I’m sorry, Mimi, I can —let me go sleep on the couch, please, then you can be comfortable.

“That’s not what I want!”

“I’d understand if it were,” and the coldness swells up in her stomach again, threatens to drown her whole body in it, in the memory of that moment of rejection.

“I’m braver in the dark,” Mimi says, and she closes the distance between them, tipping her face in for a kiss.

Susie luxuriates in it for a long moment - her hands come up, almost of their own will, to cup the sides of Mimi’s face. And then she remembers that she’s hurting, and abruptly draws away. “I thought you said we couldn’t do this again. Wouldn’t do this again. Isn’t that what you want?”

“Yes. And no. I don’t know what I want. Or maybe that’s not true, and maybe I’m just afraid to want it in the daytime.” Mimi bites her lip and she looks stricken (and Susie berates herself for finding it so very, very endearing). “Were you ever afraid?”

“I’m afraid all the time.”

“Of this? Of being like this?” Mimi gestures with her hand, sketches a circle in the air.

“Yes,” Susie admits. “You mean liking women? Liking *you*? Yes. It terrifies me.”

“But you want it anyway.” A statement, not a question. She sits up, pulls the blankets back. “If I was wrong. If maybe I shouldn’t want it to happen again? If I know that it shouldn’t? I never said I didn’t want it to, I just — would you kiss me again?”

Susie doesn’t think, she just acts - she sits up and reaches out for Mimi, one hand on her shoulder and the fingers of her other hand tracing the line of Mimi’s jaw, tipping her head to the perfect angle, and they’re kissing again.

“I would do anything for you,” Susie whispers impulsively. (But, oh, she means every word.)

“I trust you,” Mimi says, simply, drawing away for a moment. She pulls her nightgown over her head, discards it off the side of the bed. “Kiss me?”

“You don’t have to,” Susie begins, and then she’s physically interrupted by the press of Mimi’s lips against her own.

“I want to,” she replies, in between kisses. “I want to, Susie,” and they’re kissing again.

Susie knows better. She knows she should stop, but for this one moment she’s going to be selfish, and when Mimi trails her fingers down her neck, across her collarbone, along the neck line of her nightgown —she forgets. She wills herself to forget the way it felt like being frozen alive when Mimi had pushed her away.

“Can I touch you?” Mimi asks. Susie doesn’t trust her voice, she just nods, and Mimi’s untying the ribbon at the front of her nightgown. She bats Mimi’s help away, quickly pulls it up and over her head. 

Mimi touches her warm skin almost curiously - and she draws back when she does something that makes Susie breathe out a small soft moan. “It’s okay,” Susie says, and she reached up and pulls Mimi in closer. “I like it,” and she smiles and Mimi smiles and every brush of fingers against her skin is warm like fire.

She’ll come to her senses eventually, perhaps. Someday she might want or need something more, some promise stronger than that of being brave in the dark. But in the meantime she’s dissolving like sugar at the touch of the other woman’s tongue on her body, she’s overcome, trembling in Mimi’s arms.

She opens her eyes and Mimi’s expression looks worried, and she asks “Am I doing this right?”

The reason for the concern makes her feel light-headed and happy and she actually grins. “You’re amazing,” she says, enfolding Mimi in her arms. “You’re wonderful,” she says, before kissing her again. You’re everything, she thinks, but she does not say it.

For now, this is enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I live and die for this ship. Another shoutout to my pbb discord squad! I love all y’all.


End file.
